A PAINFUL CHANGE

He rushed out of the sitting room and rushed into his room. 

He came out with a glee on his eyes and clutching his Ukulele like a clown seeing the crowd spray money on his partner during a routine boring comical show. He was ready to bawl songs with the figure on TV.

The sound coming from the first-generation, non-smart, outdated Samsung 32" LCV TV on the wall was 'BOYFRIEND' by Justin Bieber on MTV Base.

 

I, after, threats of not renewing the DSTV subscription for the next month was allowed to switch the Cable Channel after being ruthlessly assaulted by Mickey Mouse, Oso, Handy Manny, Sponge Bobs by the tiny domestic terrorists I call my sons ably supported by their accomplice Sherrivon Uzy Okoronkwo.

I cannot afford a DSTV DUAL VIEW DECODER in Nigeria that enables one watch different Satellite TV Channels in different rooms and make do with threats of not paying for subscriptions to watch my favorite channels now and then. The boys have hijacked the TV set.

Giovanni stared at the TV set for a tortuous 1 minute and let out a piercing wail like a banshee, "Daddy, this is not JUSTIN BIEBER." Giovanni grew up LOVING Justin and his bawling of songs like 'Baby! Baby!! Baby!!! OH!!!!', 'Never Say Never', 'Never let go' and his all-time favorite 'Mistletoe'.

The Justin he saw on MTV singing 'BOYFRIEND' was different, grown and had a gruffy voice. I took time out to explain to a 4-yr old that Justin had grown, attained puberty, had a girlfriend and would not be singing for him again.

He went back to the room, dropped his Ukulele, came back to the sitting room and held me.

He was morose and taciturn. I held him, switched back to Disney Junior where OSO was fooling himself, as usual, as a Special Agent. My son loves OSO and temporarily forgot about Justin Selena Gomez Bieber.

A painful transition for Giovanni.

THE COMING OF ANDRE: DRE DAY

The delivery room was  big, neat and comfortable. St Anthony’s Hospital, Cook County, Illinois, Chicago. The Electrocardiogram (ECG) machine was beeping. The other machine, I suspected was monitoring the extent of  my wife’s vaginal dilation, was humming. They said she had gone 6cm and were waiting for 10cm. I sat with my first son, Giovanni, unperturbed and watching . My missus was wailing.

The nurse, with a color like the interior of a water melon, bellowed with a voice that belies her size and height, ‘the heart beat is strong, it is a boy”. I was worried about my missus intermittent wailings and ignored the Nurse, as if we did not see the scan image of the baby in Lagos before travelling to Chicago with his BIG TESTICLES and LONG PHALLUS. The image was crystal clear and we knew we were having another SOLDIER.  The nurse epitomized efficiency and I watched her small frame darting back and forth like electrons. I thanked God I never had her type as a wife, for in your home, any item out of its normal position as identified and marked by her would ELICIT acerbic tongue-wagging.


I remembered the OBG in Faith City Hospital, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria, where my missus had her routine antenatal visits. I accompanied her to the hospital most times. I remember vividly when the OBG was conducting the last scan to assure my wife that the baby was a boy, ‎..."ya, see the TIBIA and FIBULA", the Doctor said. "I can't see the HUMERUS", I chorused, displaying a bit knowledge of Human Anatomy. The doctor was taking all the glory in front of my missus and I had to DISPLAY too. "Charles see the SCROTUM and the PHALLUS. This boy gather oo!!". We were both staring at the SCAN MACHINE laughing. My missus HAD a wry smile on her face. She wanted a BABE. "3 TERRORISTS", she HARPED.

Contraction time again and my missus let out another ear-piercing wail. Giovanni impulsively yelled, “Mummy SHHOORRRYYY!!!”. Giovanni is two and has the speech style of most two year olds. I left my comfortable chair and went to peer at the ECG Machine.  I was comfortable with the amplitude of the cycle I saw and the digital readings of the baby’s heart beat. The acoustics were encouraging too, like the beats of the big drums in a Nigerian Navy Band parade. A lot of machines. A lot of sounds, slightly bordering on cacophony in my present state.

I went back to my seat. The cycle had passed and my missus was quiet. I knew that in another five minutes, MAYHEM would be the lot. Another Nurse came in. Tall and wiry. She introduced herself. From Sierra Leone married to a Nigerian. When she talked it was like a dove’s coo. I relaxed. She spoke to my wife nicely and within the sane 5-minute window, we had small chats about Crisis in Africa, Her Husband, Naija, America, Haiti, Eba, Ewedu. Another loud WAIL and we all kept quiet.

A matron eventually came in. The epitome of a grandmother.  She was nice. Another wail and my missus said she wanted to use the rest room. Giovanni laughed and screamed, “mummy wansh to pooh pooh”. The matron told her it was part of the birth process. It was the second experience, but the first one was through CS, since she stopped dilating at 4cm. She had already done 6cm. I had mixed feelings about the natural birth and another CS.

I would have preferred another CS since it would keep my ‘THING’ intact, but would add some extra thousands of dollars to the medical bill. I was hoping for the best. Anything that would guarantee the safety of mother and baby.

The old matron told her an Epidural was going to be administered to numb the pains. Questions were now being asked. “How old are you?” “Any medical history?” Was your first baby vaginal or CS?” It was left for them to ask if I had a history of Herpes or Syphilis. “Do you take alcohol?”. “Do you smoke?”.

They took a blood sample. Forms were brought.  I told the matron and the nice nurses to be flexible in their decision making and choose the best option. Giovanni was born through CS and they asked if we would opt for another CS or VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarian). Let nature take its course, I told them.

Another quiet moment. I asked after the doctor. Dr Ayoade Akere. A renowned OBG in Illinois, Chicago. We had three different recommendations to use him from Nigeria. I was told he was on his way. My mind drifted to the chains of events in the last one month that took us to Chicago.

After our first son, he was born in Capetown, South Africa, we decided to give America a shot for the next baby. The decisions were purely of HUMAN CAPITAL DEVELOPMENT reasons.  A lot of sacrifices were made. Not buying that ‘Toyota Spider’ and moving to a Duplex. We had our visas and the SPERM CELLS decided to shake hands with the OVARY at the appropriate time.

My wife left for Chicago after enquiries and consultations. Some enquiries made to ‘friends’ were not returned while some were returned and voicemails becoming the norm in voice communications to people in the US as against full duplex calls. She travelled a month to her EDD (Expected Due Date) which was between 7 - 11, January, 2010. My leave was not due. I just changed jobs. My trip to join her with my son was for Dec 24, 2010. I was left to carter for a cantankerous two year old. I summarily shipped him to my In-law’s and sister who were happy to receive the  ambitious and adventurous lad. He bluntly refused to speak to her mummy on the phone, “mummy, I don’t want to ‘shhpeak’ to you again”. He felt the mum abandoned him.

December 24 timeline came and we boarded  a Delta Airlines flight from Lagos to Atlanta after passing through the rigors of the Local Bus Terminal called Murtala Mohammed International Airport, Lagos. We arrived Atlanta on 25 Dec, around 6am, ATL time. It was the peak of winter and the weather channel predicted 2 inch of snow in ATL on 25 Dec and heavy snowfall in Chicago on 25 Dec.

I was not surprised when all flights to Chicago from Atlanta were cancelled. I had consulted the weather channel and was expecting the worse. We moved to my wife’s friend’s home in Atlanta. Heavens opened up immediately we left the airport en route her place and Atlanta had the first snow in 125yrs on December. People ran out to the streets celebrating a WHITE CHRISTMAS.  My sleep clock was haywire and I needed a glass of beer and some sleep.

We slept, woke up and left for the airport. We boarded an 8.25am Delta flight to Chicago. We got to a frozen Chicago around 10am and left for Embassy Suites, O’Hare. My missus was there. The Airport shuttle took me and my noisy boy to Embassy Suites. We saw missus and mother and son re-united. It was an emotional spectacle. Giovanni grabbed my missus and kissed her.

We left the Hotel the next day and through the help of a Nigerian Professor who teaches Algebra and Applied Mathematics  in Chicago, introduced to us by a Nigerian Prof in New York, we got a one-bedroom apartment on the North side of Chicago not too far from the hospital.  I left for the malls to buy stuff to equip our temporary abode and keep it comfortable. I NESTED TOO.

Missus had a date with the OBG and was scheduled for another visit on the Dec 4, 2010. That appointment was not kept as we were in the Labor room on the Dec 3, 2010. We retired to bed after spending some time with family friends who drove all the way from Milwaukee to visit us. I received a tap on my shoulder and instantly woke up from a deep slumber. My wife was peering at me. She told she was having contractions and had called Dr Akere. An SMS came in and we had the number of a taxi company to call.

I called the taxi number and started getting Giovanni ready. She had already started screaming. The taxi arrived and I tugged her bags and Giovanni's stuff. The temperature was -5C outside. We entered the taxi and sped off to St Anthony's Hospital in West Chicago. We were treated to musical cycles by my wife which comprised of periods of mute-singing and long periods of wailing.

We arrived the hospital after 20mins and were ushered through the emergency entrance. Missus was wheeled to the elevator and straight to the labor room. I tagged along with my able partner in the experience, Giovanni Okoronkwo.

Another contraction and the accompanying heart-rendering sound laid to the Anesthesiologist being summoned and the Epidural administered. More forms were brought and I signed away my life and that of my family. I did not care to read through the documents again.

She was calm after 5 minutes. A doctor of Chinese descent came in and spoke with the Midwestern Chicago accent. There was nothing Chinese about him except the looks.  He was nice. They were all nice and gentle. He checked my wife and screamed that she had done 9cm. He told my wife that she was ready to have the baby the normal way. He broke the water. After peering at the humming machines he left. Test results came in and everything was right.

Dr. Akere walked in after  10 minutes, checked my missus , looked at the equipment and I saw a glow on his face. I was happy too. He BELLOWED, “Madam, you are 10 + 1 and ready to go. I heaved a sigh of relief. Giovanni felt my emotions and smiled.

The time was 11:30am and what happened in the next  29 minutes would remain with me for a long time. The final lap of the long race started. The doctors and nurses were nudging and speaking nicely to the expectant mum. Another contraction and she would be encouraged to push. At a point the only word I could decipher from all voices was PUSH.

After about another 5 cycles of contractions and PUSHING, the doctor’s face came aglow and he said PUSH now. I suspected  the head was coming out. I left Giovanni on the chair and moved closer to the bed to catch the mop of black hair and putty face pop out. At the final nudging, the body slipped out. I saw BABY ANDRE and said ‘GAME OVER’. I held my missus and called her an Amazon. She beamed with a smile with a bead of sweat on her face. I never saw anything more beautiful. I squeezed her palm and she squeezed mine accenting. Giovanni came around and said with that characteristic intelligence,  “ANDRE MY ‘BYOTHER’ “.
 

Andre was  cleaned.  I was called to cut the UMBILICAL CORD. I did not understand the import of the act. My missus encouraged me and I cut the CORD. I looked at his face, he was crying. He released three long shots of pee into the air and on my face.

ANGEL OF DEATH

WARNING: The names used on this NOTE are REAL PEOPLE. THEY EXIST, BUT PART OF THIS STORY IS OF THE AUTHOR’S IMAGINATIONS.

It was one of those lovely days. A spring on every step I took. I just received my monthly allowance from my DAD. I Visited the joint, where I downed a BOTTLE OF GIN mixed WITH COCA-COLA with my friends in EKOSODIN VILLAGE, Benin. STUDENTS OF UNIVERSITY OF BENIN (UNIBEN) LIVED IN THE VILLAGE. RICHARD IRIKEFE, MY CLOSE BUDDY, partook in that DAILY COMMUNION. We got our KICKS faster, than wasting valuable resources buying LAGER BEER. I DID NOT SMOKE THE SMOKE . I DID NOT LIKE THE TASTE. Meaning, I tasted it like any CORRECT GUY. Ask my Paddy, CLINTON, OBAMA and DAVID CAMERON.

As I approached the gate of UNIVERSITY OF BENIN from EKOSODIN Village, I saw HER. SHE had a SWAGGER in her WALK and SWAYED LIKE A REED BLOWN BY THE EARLY MORNING BREEZE. I stopped, and UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE POTENT BREW, saw A CROSS BETWEEN PETULANT NAOMI CAMPBELL and LINDA EVANGELISTA.

I rubbed my eyes to be sure she WAS NOT AN APPARITION OF THE VIRGIN. One was SIGHTED in BENUE STATE THAT PERIOD and THE HOME OF THE UNCLE OF ONE OF MY FRIENDS IN BENIN. It was the SEASON OF THE SIGHTING OF THE VIRGIN BY CATHOLIC FAITHFULS. A PERIOD even when the DRAWING LEFT ON THE WALL BY TWO-YEAR OLDS were seen AS THE APPARITION OF VIRGIN MARY. GOD HAVE MERCY ON US!!! I always wondered why the VIRGIN would choose NIGERIA as a LOCATION FOR APPEARANCES. HOW MANY VIRGINS ARE LEFT IN NIGERIA?

She was gaunt. Her nose LIKE THE BEAK OF A HAWK. My heart raced like HAMILTON ON THE WHEELS. I DO NOT LIKE VETTEL. I saw CLEOPATRA and NERFETITI come to LIFE. I fear no WOMAN BORN OF MAN. I approached her and in MY ACQUIRED BRITISH ACCENT I copied from MY UNCLE’S WIFE(AUNTIE GAIL) who is BRITISH and had been MARRIED TO MY UNCLE FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS.

I asked the GODDESS HER NAME. SHE APPRAISED ME and told me ANGELA. I called her ANGEL and asked her where she was swaying to. She smiled revealing a good dentition. I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED MY FRIEND WHO SPENT 10 YEARS IN UNIBEN TO ACQUIRE A DEGREE IN DENTISTRY. HE CROSS-CARPETED from MEDICINE TO DENTISTRY. After near misses with EXPULSION, he eventually settled down, eschewing irrelevant full-time job of going after every skirt at sight, and graduated from DENTISTRY.

ANGELA told me she was going to CHIEF EDO’S HOUSE IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE. I HEARD CHIEF EDO HAS JOINED HIS ANCESTORS. HE LED THE WAR AGAINST THOSE WHO HELD THEIR MEETINGS ON TOP OF THE TREES IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE. TREES WERE CUT DOWN. THREE BIRDS WERE KILLED IN THE PROCESS AND THREE OLD WOMEN IN THE VILLAGE DIED THE FOLLOWING MORNING. SUCH WAS LIFE IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE. The GODS were always at war.

My friend was returning from a READING BINGE IN SCHOOL one night and had to pass the middle of EKOSODIN PRIMARY SCHOOL to get to his HOSTEL. He unknowingly passed through the middle of a GROUP OF BIRDS. The BIRDS flew off and he had a COLD CHILL. He did not WRITE the EXAMS that SEMESTER. He took ILL and was TAKEN HOME. He came back after 5 months and we learnt how a VISIT TO HIS VILLAGE IN AGENEBODE revealed he DISTURBED A HIGH-POWERED MEETING THAT NIGHT. I will tag him on this NOTE to find out if he would AUTHENTICATE the STORY.

I had already TRUNCATED my JOURNEY into UNIBEN and was walking back into the village with ANGELA. Her accent immediately REVEALED she was an LIG (LOW INTELLIGENCE GROUP)- a TAG for non-UNIBEN GIRLS who lived close to the school and HELPED YOUNG AND OLD UNIBEN STUDENT S who could not MUSTER ENOUGH COURAGE nor HAVE ENOUGH SWAGGER TO GET SUDENT GIRLFRIENDS assuage THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES. A popular HOSTEL of a COMPUTER SCHOOL OFF UWASOTA ROAD and THE NURSING HOSTEL IN UNIVERSITY OF BENIN TEACHING HOSPITAL PROVIDED veritable HUNTING GROUNDS for such GUYS. I hunted their once and stopped when TWO GIRLS fought OVER MY OWNERSHIP IN UWASOTA, LILIBETH HOSTEL. An average UNIBEN GIRL spoke with a FAKE ACCENT except the WARRI AND SAPELE GIRLS who had nothing to prove to anyone in school. They were RAW and SIX PENCE A DANCE.

UNIVERSITY OF BENIN is bound by EKOSODIN VILLAGE, OSASOGIE ESTATE, BDPA ESTATE and IKPOBA RIVER. I cannot identify which area is EAST, WEST or NORTH. If you have the map, you can volunteer the coordinates. I know that the IKPOBA RIVER IS BY THE AGRIC FARM and YOUNG GUYS ALWAYS HELPED THEMSELVES WITH WHAT WAS ALWAYS LEFT BY THE RIVER SIDE AFTER FREQUENT VISITS BY WOMEN CLADDED IN WHITE AND RED CLOTHES SEEKING TO INFLUENCE THE GODS TO ENABLE A SUCCESSFUL TRIP ABROAD, preferably, ITALY . A friend’s girlfriend succeeded and was SENDING VALUABLES to the GUY from ITALY who used the PROCEEDS to GET a DECENT WIFE. What happened when the GIRL came back from ITALY is not for this NOTE. Last TIME I CHECKED, the GUY was in USELU PSYCHIATRY HOSPITAL.

I lived in EKOSODIN which was the DEN of UNSERIOUS STUDENTS. They took me in LIKE THE YOUNG JIM HAWKINS when MY DAD bought free BOOZE for some GUYS in HALL 1. HE followed me to SCHOOL to HANDLE MY REGISTRATION. I was YOUNG and PROTECTED. They begged him to go home. They promised to take care of me. When DR SCOTT EMUAKPOR told my Dad to leave me that I was not a Baby that I would sort myself out, he handed me over to the BROOD OF VIPERS without knowing it and left for the EAST. THAT WAS MY SECOND NUTURE COMPLEX.

My parents and my older brother were SHOCKED when I decided to study AGRIC ECONOMICS and TICKED UNIVERSITY OF BENIN as my first choice in JAMB. I grew up in a RESEARCH INSTITUTE and the courses of choice amongst the kids in my INSTITUTE then were MEDICINE, ENGINEERING, PHARMACY, LAW , GEOLOGY and the high-sounding courses. The schools of choice were UNIVERSITY OF PORTHARCOURT, UNIVERSITY OF NIGERIA, IMOSU, they now call it IMSU not to lend CREDENCE to the OSU CASTE system in IGBO LAND which inadvertently appears in the name IMOSU. FUNNY!!

News filtering from BENIN, BENDEL STATE then was not healthy. FREQUENT STUDENT DEMONSTRATIONS and ANINI THE GREAT. They did not realize in my home that my attraction were the demonstrations and to see ANINI THE ROBBER. It was when I threatened to relocate to Aba in Abia State, Nigeria and learn the CHEMIST BUSINESS that they summarily let the MAD MAN and HIS THOUGHTS.

My first introduction into BENIN was a BTV news of A WOMAN CLIMBING DOWN from the PYLONS OF HIGH TENSION POLES one bright morning. When she came down and was interviewed, she intoned that SHE WAS GOING FOR A MEETING AND HER AEROPLANE CRASHED ON THE HIGH TENSION WIRES. My heart leapt with joy at that news, for I REALIZED THAT I HAD CHOSEN THE RIGHT CITY AND SCHOOL. It was going to be an EVENTFUL 5 years. I ended up spending 13 years in BENIN, was in DIASPORA, lost CONTACT with my family and became A LOCAL TV STAR. That’s the story for another day. OBA ATOPE, ISE!! I had A TITLE, "the ODIONWERE OF ONI STREET, GRA BENIN".

Chief Oni was the HEAD OF THE OLOKUN CULT and HIS HOUSE was opposite my house at 13 ONI Street, GRA, BENIN. I lived in GRA BENIN when I left school with my GREAT PALS, PATRICK OKPEKU(MAY HIS SOUL REST THE PEACE), OSAINOMA OKPEKU AND OSY OHIEN. We ran a TV PROGRAMME, CUTZ, STYLZ AND GISTZ with AKUNNA NWAGHA (nee OJIJI) , LILY IGBINOSUN, OMONI OBOLI (nee UKEY) and BARBARA OKOJIE of DANGEROUS FAME. HIGHLY INTELLIGENT WOMEN who DID NOT NEED SCRIPTS to DISCUSS ANY TOPICS. We had a SESSION with KEPPY EKPENYONG and OBY EDOZIEN. We took them on the program once to talk about their MOVIE, ‘TO HAVE AND TO CHERISH’. My friend DAVID IVAN DANISA introduced them to us and MATHIAS OBIAGHABGON was in TOW as the PRODUCER. They were disappointing and HAD to constantly look at their scripts. KEPPY was ADEPT at DOING JUSTICE to CHELSEA DRY GIN then. I do not know if he has stopped.

We were KINGS AND QUEENS OF THE TUBE. WE RULED BEFORE the COMING OF KENNY AND D1. WE had ADVERTS from COWBELL, TOP TEA, PEAK, AFPRINT. We LIVED in a 3 BEDROOM BUNGALOW we got for N70K then, and LEASED OUT THE BQ to a STAFF from CBN, BENIN for 100k who was HAPPY to just gist from OUR TABLES of BEAUTIFUL WOMEN who THRONGED our HOME seeking to APPEAR ON THE TV PROGRAMME. We would collect his N100k and pay the Landlord N70K pocketing N30k. He was paying our house rent and was living in the Boys Quarters.

Chief ONI EPITOMIZED weirdness and had about 10 WIFES, mostly acquired after visitations for solutions to problems. He had countless kids. One of the kids suddenly saw an ADONIS in me. A wiry, dog-like looking creature. Ha!!! Daughter of the priest of OLOKUN. I was not ready to meet God. She even threatened to report me to her Dad. I called her BLUFF when Chief ONI was hospitalized for 4 weeks after consuming A LIFE CHICKEN during his annual JANUARY, IGBE (OLOKUN) FESTIVAL. The GODS must have gone to the MARKET that YEAR.

I honed my skills in EKOSODIN, but refused to sing with THE GUYS IN THE BUSHES AT NIGHT. They left me to my whims. The first hostel I stayed in, FLORI HOSTEL had a GARDEN OF WEEDS in front of it, planted by my friends. YOUNG MEN sent to SCHOOL by hardworking parents would SMOKE TO OBLIVION, sang SHABBA RANKING SONGS and argued that the INSCRIPTION ON A POSTER ON THE WALL IN OUR ROOM did not read "I AM THE BREAD OF LIFE", BUT "JAM THE BREAD OF LIFE". The "I" in the "AM" was actually curved like a "J" and looked like ‘JAM’ and had a PICTURE OF A BOTTLE OF JAM next to the BREAD. A FIGHT ENSUED OVER THE ACTUAL WORD. A lip was torn. I had to come in to SETTLE the IMPASSE since I was the ONLY SANE and SOBER ONE AMONGST THE LOT. I told them that the INSCRIPTION WAS ‘I AM THE BREAD OF LIFE, BUT SINCE THE BOTTLE OF JAM WAS NEXT TO THE BREAD, CHRIST HAD DECIDED TO J'AM THE BREAD OF LIFE.' THEY BELIEVED AND AGREED and the SMOKING CONTINUED. Maybe you have seen that POSTER too. The LIFE OF CANNABIS AND CHEAP GIN!!!!!

The next HOSTEL I STAYED in, GREEN HOUSE was so NOTORIOUS that the WOMAN who owned the HOSTEL had to CHASE US OUT and CALLED SOME PASTORS to SANCTIFY the HOSTEL when we LEFT. Don’t mind the woman, we even learnt that she killed her husband and inherited the property. We just left her to her wickedness.

I led the team with EDOJA that trapped a SHEEP meant for THE GODS of EKOSODIN VILLAGE and a BIG COCKEREL meant for the SHRINE of one of the chiefs of the village to our HOSTEL to be SLAUGHTERED. The VILLAGERS SWORE that those RESPONSIBLE for the DASTARD ACT would not graduate. I graduated, although some that innocently partook in the MEAL SPENT EXTRA 3 years in school. THE GODS MUST HAVE BEEN ANGRY with those that ATE but NOT THOSE that killed. EDOJA spent an EXTRA YEAR in school. He sold his travelling bag to some guys to raise money to print his project work. The project work was inside the bag. When we recovered the bag, he had lost about 30 pages of the script. Man cannot FATHOM the ways of the GODS. They choose whom to BLESS or KILL. I believe I belong to the former.

My friend Uche got the GREEN HOSTEL and immediately invited me to move in. I was a GREAT ASSET TO ANYONE and was SOUGHT BY MANY. The Flat had 4 ROOMS. Uche carved out a space in the sitting room and LET ALL OUT at a SUM TWICE the amount he paid for the FLAT..A girl stayed in one of the rooms and always talked about London. She CLAIMED she was A VIRGIN. My friends complained bitterly about her fake lifestyle. They took the pains to find out where her home was in Benin and discovered it was UZEBU QUARTERS and that A SHRINE WAS AT THE BACK OF HER HOUSE. SHE HAD NEVER CROSSED OLOKUN JUNCTION IN BENIN not to talk about travelling to London. What was my own? I liked the girl since she ALWAYS kept her SOUP AND STEW in our REFRIGERATOR. I never LACKED.

The other room was occupied by FINA who THOUGHT in IGBO and had to convert his THOUGHTS from IGBO to ENGLISH before he could speak. You could IMAGINE the OUTCOME. His FATHER HAD CHAINS OF STORES IN ONITSHA and he was HAPPY to be ASSOCIATED with they who could SPEAK ENGLISH FLUENTLY. He never had a DECENT BABE in School. I never saw any with him. When he was not CALLING me ‘CHOCOMIRO’, he always BELLOWED, ‘CHARY MY GUY!!!’ to my chagrin and amusement. Most Onitsha and Nnewi folks of Igbo extraction have problems with the letters ‘L’ and ‘R’ and interchange them at will in words. One girl I once considered marrying had that problem. She was in UNIZIK AWKA and was studying Engineering on Shell Scholarship. I called off the union when all training could not help. She once said that her friend’s Dad had a ‘SHOP ON ASA LOAD IN ABA AND ROADED HIS DRINKS FROM HIS SHOP TO THE ALIALA MARKET’. Would you blame me for running? She is in UK now. I spoke to her on phone last year. She was still PATHETIC.

The MAKESHIFT ROOM in our GREEN HOSTEL was OCCUPIED by BERT, Uche’s cousin. I wonder how he passed JAMB. At a point he left the room and moved back into school citing UNDUE INFLUENCES ON HIS CHARACTER by us. I WONDER WHAT CHARACTER HE HAD. I had to bail him out by writing a FINANCIAL ACCOUNTING EXAMS for him he failed 2 times and was risking spending 2 extra years in school. IRIKS, my blossom friend, converted the room Bertrand vacated to his MUSIC ROOM where he would DISTURB us EVERY MORNING with BEETHOVEN, BACH, TCHAIKOVSKY and URHOBO MUSIC. I did not bother about the CLASSICAL MUSIC, ESPECIALLY SWAN LAKE by TCHAIKOVSKY, BUT THE URHOBO MUSIC that SOUNDED LIKE A GROUP OF INTOXICATED MEN ARGUING OVER WHO SHOULD TAKE THE LARGEST PIECE OF MEAT AFTER A MEAL. I wondered how he liked SUCH CACOPHONY.

A HOSPITAL OFF EKEWUAN ROAD BENIN, NEKPEN HOSPITAL, was the HOME of ABORTION IN BENIN. MY FRIEND HAD 3 CASES in one MONTH. I had to ACCOMPANY ONE OF THE GIRLS to the HOSPITAL since HE WAS BATTLING with the OTHER TWO. I refused to go AGAIN when the GIRL was ready for ANOTHER VISIT after TWO MONTHS. My friend informed me that the OWNER OF THE HOSPITAL has GONE STRAIGTH AFTER NIGHTLY DISTURBANCES BY THE SPIRITS OF EVACUATED FETUSES. One of the PREGNANT GIRLS DISAPPEARED to RESURFACE AFTER NINE MONTHS WITH A DAUGHTER that LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE MY GUY. HE COULD NOT DENY. HE LEFT A DAUGHTER IN BENIN. I SPOKE TO THE GIRL RECENTLY. She is 14 years old.

OUR TWO FRIENDS were MEDICAL STUDENTS. One was called DOCTOR DANGER and the other DOCTOR SLY. They smoked more weed than anyone. They are both in Lagos today practicing the TRADE. I took ill one day and had the misfortune of being around their territory. I VEHEMENTLY DECLINED to be TREATED by them despite their entreaties . Ha!!! Doctor DANGER AND DOCTOR SLY to treat me??

I was AN UNREPENTANT AND SERIAL EXAMS WRITER IN UNIBEN. I WROTE EXAMS IN ALMOST ALL THE DEPARTMENTS IN UNIBEN. A MEATPIE AND A BOTTLE OF COKE IN OKONKWO’S STORE IN SOCIAL SCIENCES was ALL IT TOOK to BUY MY SOUL. I was not the food type and was living on SODA. Just provide your NOTE BOOK and give me a 5-HOUR WINDOW, depending on the course, and you are SAFE.

I wrote MODERN HISTORY FOR SOMEONE. I remember writing about THUCYDIDES. I wondered then why SOMEONE would leave the FATHER’S HOUSE to come to school to SPEND 4 YEARS to study HISTORY. I helped one GIRL with SYNTAX and POST-POSITIVE FUNCTIONS OF ADJECTIVE IN ENGLISH DEPT. I had to MEMORIZE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.
I helped a guy in Law with JURISPRUDENCE. He was BEFUDDLED with LAWS AND MORALS, JOHN LOCKE and POSITIVISM. I wrote PSYCHOLOGY AND SOCIOLOGY EXAMS too . They were my favorite.

I had to MEMORIZE names like TIBIA and FIBULA, HUMERUS and ULNA for a guy in MEDICINE. I wrote the ANATOMY EXAMS. a FRIEND was sent packing from medical school during his third year . He could not pass the MBBS EXAMS later. He took solace in TELLING GIRLS ABOUT FERRARI TESTAROSA AND LAMBOURGHINI COUNTACH . I wonder what he would be doing now. Hope not a medical doctor.

I was known. Just call CHOCOMILO and you would pass your exams. I was writing MACRO ECONOMICS exams for one of my friends in MBA 1 CLASS when a guy sighted me and knew there was no way I could have failed that course. I was in MBA 2. He knew my PROWESS in FACULTY OF AGRIC. He moved his PAPERS next to my DESK. When he saw the NAME I REGISTERED on the ANSWER SHEET, he smiled and HAILED ME. He copied ceaselessly. I asked him what he would have done if he did not see me in the hall.  He unearthed rolls of sheets from his pants when we left the hall. My friend I wrote the EXAMS for was CALLED BY THE LECTURER to CONGRATULATE HIM FOR SCORING 92% in the exams. HE DID NOT GO to see the lecturer. The Lecturer knew there was no way he would pass macro economics and wanted to trap him. 

One of my friends in FACULTY OF AGRIC cried and begged me to help him in one of our exams. He was worried he was going to make a THIRD CLASS and wondered what he would tell his PARENTS. I allowed him COPY MY SCRIPT. It was a 4 UNIT COURSE and he made an A-. The only A he ever made in his 5 year sojourn in UNIBEN. He ended up with a 2:2. He has never stopped buying me BEER till date.

A girl in my class sat next to me in a STATISTICS EXAMS and CONFESSED to me that she DID NOT Know what the course was all about. I tried explaining DEVIATION FROM MEAN to HER and the POSITIVE SQUARE ROOT OF A VARIANCE. I TOLD HER the reason for ‘n-1’ in SAMPLING. GOD!!! she cried. I wonder what BACKGROUND she had. I allowed her to copy my script, almost copying my Matriculation Number. HARRY 96% and I SCORED 94%. She passed and the next SEMESTER was SHIPPED TO FLORIDA BY HER PARENTS.

A girl HIJACKED MY SCRIPT in one of the GENETICS EXAMS. CHROMOSONAL ABBERATION MEANT NOTHING TO HER. Why should she be bothered about 2N+1 chromosomes, ADENOSINE, CYTOSINE, THIANINE and GUANINE. She just had to pass the course. ESOSA OVWIEBO should know THE STORY. Our INVIGILATOR saw her actions and SMILED. He pleaded with me to ALLOW HER COPY. I was SHOCKED!!!. She copied and passed.

My CLASS MATE, KOFI, was CAUGHT BY A TRAP IN THE FOREST DURING OUR INDUSTRIAL TRAINING. HE WAS IN THE FORESTRY DEPARTMENT. HE ALMOST LOST A LEG. HE SMOKED 5 PACKETS OF MARLBORO A DAY AND HAD A DARK SWOLLEN LIP AND AN ACCOUSTIC SIGNATURE. A DEEP COUGH. Men, KOFI was UGLY and without a LEG, it would have been DISASTROUS. He only ended up with a LIMP.

I was in the LAWN TENNIS TEAM in the SCHOOL. The first day I came to the TENNIS COURT, I defeated the SCHOOL NUMBER 4. They drafted me into the WAUG TEAM IMMEDIATELY. I COLLECTED THE CAMP ALLOWANCE and NEVER PLAYED FOR THE TEAM. I played lawn tennis as a child and reconsidered my HIGH AMBITIONS when I took a dive on a HARD COURT a la BORIS BECKER and sustained serious injuries not realizing BECKER was diving on WIMBLEDON GRASS COURTS not HARD COURTS.

A GIRL in the SCHOOL’S FEMALE SPORTS TEAM SPRAINED HER ANKLE. I had to take her back to her ROOM IN EKOSODIN VILLAGE, TREATED HER, TUCKED HER IN BED and LEFT AFTER 12AM. The next day the NEWS was AGOG that I was IMPOTENT AND DIDN'TEVEN MAKE A MOVE. She told her FRIENDS that she gave me all the GREEN LIGHT and I TURNED HER DOWN. That Event still HAUNTS ME. WELL!! I HAVE SIRED GIOVANNI AND ANDRE.

I had about FIVE (5) Girlfriends at this time. I PREACHED the CONCEPT of ‘VALUE ADD’ in relationships. Sex was not the PIVOT. Values were added.
No. 1 was living in VICTORIA ISLAND. My friends hailed me for the CAPTURE. We transferred the CUSTODY OF HER ALLOWANCE from the school guardian to GREEN HOSTEL. I planned and executed the coup. She moved in with us. We sold her RADIO SET, ELECTRIC IRON and BED SHEETS to FUND my FRIEND’S ABORTION TRIPS.
One of her friends did not like me and reported to her parents that she was LIVING WITH A MAN OFF CAMPUS. She was BUNDLED back to the HOSTEL, BUT ALL HER VALUABLES TOOK RESIDENCE IN EKOSODIN. That was more IMPORTANT. I saw that her ROOM MATE recently in SURULERE TUGGING TWO ROTUND DAUGHTERS to LIFELINE HOSPITAL FOR KIDS. I reminded of her FOOLERY and we LAUGHED IT OFF. She is a MOTHER NOW.
No. 2 was AUXILLIARY. Her parents were living in IKOYI. When her parents retired from the Ministry, left the government quarters and moved to Iyana Ipaja, a Lagos Surburb outside IKOYI, she LOST RELEVANCE.
No. 3 grew up in LONDON and had a funny BRITISH ACCENT. She would complain to my friends that CHOCO WAS ALWAYS PADDING BACK AND FORTH FROM the FEMALE HOSTELS with an accent like one with a BOIL on HER ARMPIT. She was a COMIC RELIEF.
No. 4 was liked by my friend from Agenebode. My friend liked OYOO(Beans) and she was always cooking that for him. She was rich. Her father had a manufacturing plant in Malaysia. She attended Queens Enugu. I was forced into that relationship. She refused to go out with my friends and I was called in to capture her. I once pretended I had an ASHMATIC ATTACK IN SCHOOL. SHE cried like a WIDOW WITH TWO KIDS WHOSE HUSBAND DIED WITHOUT A LIFE INSURANCE OR PENSION FUNDS. She DROPPED 10K. IRIKS and UCHE collected the 10k to buy VENTOLIN INHALER for me. We met inside the SCHOOL TO SHARE THE BOOTY. I just ended the relationship without any reasons. I did not like her.
No. 5 was the daughter of a RICH ELECTRONICS TYCOON in Benin. My friends, IRIKS and JOE 90 liked her. They always pretended they were going to her ROOM to PLAY a GAME of CARDS. I always saw EMPTY PLATES OF PASTA and RICE in front of them whenever I got to HER room. They were always in her room. When the relationship packed up, they blamed me and were not HAPPY. I knew their reasons.

To get to the CRUX of the matter, I concluded that ANGELA was not worth my time since she was an LIG. I then remembered the CELIBATE FIMA in my FLAT. The plan was to introduce her to FiNA. I summarily INVITED HER TO GREEN HOUSE. She agreed to VISIT that evening.

I made a U-TURN and went into school. I took a BIKE to OSASOGIE STORES. I always VISITED MY FRIENDS THERE ANYTIME I WANTED TO FOOL MYSELF and ‘FORM AJE BUTTER’ as was WONT with the PEOPLE on THAT SIDE OF THE UNIBEN DIVIDE. FULL GROWN MEN WOULD SPEND 5 LONG HOURS ON A BOTTLE OF BEER AND 2 STICKS OF ROTHMANS PLAYING POOL and TELLING STORIES ABOUT AMERICA AND LONDON. They HAD RECORDS OF SPENDING EXTRA 2 YEARS IN SCHOOL. I must confess, most times, I would tell TALES about WORKING in MACDONALDS and HARRODS IN LONDON during VACATIONS. YOUNG GIRLS WOULD SIT WITH MOUTH AGAPE listening to my TALES and ACTING LIKE MAIDENS THAT were SENT BACK FROM THE VIRGIN DANCE WHEN IT WAS REALIZED THEY WERE NOT VIRGINS. STOOORRRRYYYYY!!! UNIBEN!!!!!!!!!

I left OSASOGIE after 4 hours of LIVING IN ILLUSIONARY GRANDEUR and took a BIKE to EKOSODIN VILLAGE to keep the date with Angela and introduce her to Ifeanyi (FINA). My friends were in the Hostel. I informed them about ANGELA and the Date. One of my friends had met her and had tried bringing to the hostel once. She declined then, he informed me and, was happy she was coming.

ANGELA ARRIVED around 7pm. One of my friends was out to spend the night with a member of his HAREM. Our Hostel was buzzing with Life. Guys were Playing cards. Music was Blaring. We had no care in the world. It was a FRIDAY. YOUND MAIDENS were having their baths SINGING IN LOUD TONES waiting for their BOY and MEN FRIENDS. GOD, I LOVED UNNNIBBBEEENNN. ‘IF I SAY YES, IF I SAY NO’ rented the AIR. I WAS SOARING HIGH AND HAPPY.

Immediately ANGELA WALKED IN, the guys let out a SOUND hailing her. IFEANYI was happy too. He had money and was supplying the BOOZE. I introduced ANGELA. She was happy with the crowd, an LIG in the midst of UNIBEN STUDENTS. She chatted freely with all the guys. ALL OF A SUDDEN she MADE A CHALLENGE. YOU COULD HEAR A COIN DROP.

ANGELA SAID SHE COULD SLEEP WITH ALL THE GUYS IN THE ROOM. .. I COUNTED 7. THE GUYS were initially shocked. LATER they took up her challenge, were all GRUNTING LIKE PIGS, SCREAMED and immediately LED HER TO THE ROOM. I declined. THEY ALL TOOK THEIR TURNS. IFEANYI’S TURN CAME AND HE HAD A GLEE IN HIS EYES. HE CAME OUT AND ORDERED FOR MORE BOOZE. HE WENT A SECOND TIME.

ANGELA LEFT THE FOLLOWING MORNING. She was happy. We did not know why. We bade her BYE. She actually handled all the guys. 7 of them and came out UNSCATHED. FINA kept HAILING ME FOR SOLVING HIS SEX DEPRIVATIONS and DEPRAVATIONS.

On Monday, the guys were screaming. 5 had problems urinating. LATER TESTS REVEALED FOUR GONORRHEA CASES AND ONE SYPHILIS CASE. TWO of the guys were lucky. Ifeanyi was spared the agony.

ANGEL OF DEATH had STRUCK. The guys were treated. Ifeanyi paid for some of the treatments, while my CACHE of the valuable property of GF No. 1 came in handy.

Nobody saw ANGELA again. SHE JUST DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR. We heard from a GIRL IN THE VILLAGE AFTER 7 MONTHS THAT ANGELA WAS DEAD. She died in UBTH. The stories were; that SHE HAD HIV, some said she slept with an HAUSA MAN that used her for RITUALS. She actually died. ALL THE GUYS PANICKED. NO ONE HAD THE COURAGE TO GO FOR A TEST. BUT THEY ARE ALL ALIVE TODAY. 12 YEARS COUNTING. We later found out that ANGELA was from a POLYGAMOUS HOME WITH 23 KIDS. SHE HAD TO FEND FOR HERSELF and some of her younger ones.

MAY ANGELA’S SOUL FIND PEACE. I STILL SHED SOME TEARS ANYTIME I REMEMBER HER.

I wrote this NOTE IMMEDIATELY she came to mind; WITH ANDRE SUCKING AWAY AND GIOVANNI DRINKING APPLE JUICE FROM A CUP WITH WOODY AND BUZZ IMAGES ON IT ON A COLD WINTER NIGHT IN CHICAGO. I shed another round of tears. They have a home. Angela did not have a home, no love, no parental care and had to survive. Something in me changed after that experience.

SPARE A THOUGTH FOR SO MANY ANGELAS OUT THERE.

ADDENDUM: The names used on this NOTE are REAL PEOPLE. THEY EXIST BUT PART OF THIS THIS STORY IS OF THE AUTHOR’S IMAGINATIONS.
　
　

..ONE BLACK BIRD SITTING ON THE SILL

...I felt like 'PUMPING' my MUSCLES ONE MORNING and endlessly SEEK a SIX-PACK that has ever ELUDED me. MY ROTUND TUMMY was an EYE SORE.  My gym equipment is by the balcony, SYMPTOMATIC of the HOUSES built in LAGOS, NIGERIA  where SPACE is scarce AND competition rife on who will BUILD HOUSES with rooms slightly bigger than what you get in LONDON.

On stepping out, anger clouding my senses because of the ROTUND tummy, I saw a Bird by my neighbor's WINDOW SILL. I tried to identify the breed. I grew up in a huge farm. It was not a BLACK JACK nor a CANARY. It looked like a WREN. The BIRD was busy.

I rushed inside to grab my camera and the SHUTTERS were at work. The BIRD was NESTING. MY MISSUS was NESTING TOO. The bird was flying back and forth. Each return journey was accomplished with a straw on her beak. I concluded that the PROJECT TIMELINE would be long and RESOURCES ACQUISITION tedious.

I decided to help. I went to a gift shop in Victoria Island, Lagos, a glorified and expensive slum in Nigeria and bought a Bird House for N3000 (R150, $20). A PAINTING SUITE came with it. I painted the House giving it a LOOK like THE FEATHERS on THE CAP of CHIEF CHINGACHOOK of the MOHICANS, a KALEIDOSCOPE OF COLOURS. I was satisfied with what I made and at the RISK of BREAKING A BONE climbed the WINDOW SILL and placed the house by the sill. My Missus appreciated it. She knows am a COUNTRY BOY and always preach CONSERVATION.

I added a good measure of RICE and CORN to attract the little thing. I wanted her to abandon her PROJECT and move into the SELF-CONTAINED APARTMENT I got for her. She kept on building her nest ignoring my magnanimous gestures, deciding to reinvent the wheel.  I complained to my BUDDY in the compound, CLEMENT OLADAPO ONAWOLE. He told me to ignore the LITTLE THING that maybe she would change her mind later and move in. SHE DIDN'T


She finished her NEST and moved in. I knew she was ready to LAY HER EGGS. I travelled to ABUJA, the capital city of Nigeria on an official assignment. I spent a week in Abuja.

I came back to Lagos and immediately noticed that she had finished her nest. TWO other BIRDS were by HER NEST making a lot of NOISE. Very Vocal and annoying. One was more vocal and kept strutting round the window like a DON QUIXOTE. HE was constantly DEFEACATING and MESSING UP THE SILL.  The other BIRD looked finer and had a GENTLE MIEN. I concluded they were males and were COURTING THE BABE.

THE DANCE began, a lot of COOING and WOOING and I was ROOTING for the GENTLE ONE. To my CHAGRIN, the BABE decided to go for the NOISY ONE. My PAL, the quiet one, was left OUT IN THE COLD. He had a dejected look and was MAKING WHIMPERING SOUNDS. I went downstairs and picked a STONE and waited for the NOISY ONE. HE SUMMARILY EMERGED FROM THE NEST LOOKING and SOUNDING VICTORIOUS. YOU can IMAGINE what TRANSPIRED INSIDE THE NEST.

The STONE FLEW from my palm and MADE A BULL'S EYE. The 'guy' made bird-like noises and flew off. My Pal flew off too and CAME BACK AFTER 5 minutes. He made straight for the NEST. I heard some ear-piercing noises. The guy emerged looking ruffled and flew off.

DON JUAN came back, looked at me with a PLEA in HIS EYES. A thought zapped THROUGH MY MIND. Why would I disturb a STRONG GUY who wants to PERPETUATE HIS SPECIES? NATURE ABHORS THE WEAK AT THAT LEVEL. LAW OF NATURAL SELECTION. I looked away and the guy ENTERED THE NEST.  I HEARD SOME MOANING AND COOING SOUNDS. I MUST CONFESS, I YEARNED FOR MY MISSUS TOO.

SUDDENLY, the weak guy came around and made straight for the NEST. I knew it was going to be a WAR. I HEARD A LOT OF SOUNDS AND FEATHERS FALLING OUT. After about 5 minutes, the whole place was SILENT. THE BABE emerged with the TWO GUYS and LOOKED CONTENTED. THE THREE HAVE BEEN LEAVING TOGETHER IN THE NEST ever since

I AM WAITING FOR THE EGGS TO HATCH to DECIPHER WHAT THE CHICKS WOULD LOOK LIKE.

EMANCIPATION OF THE PRIMITIVE TRIBES OF THE LOWER NIGER

WARNING: 

This is not is not for the faint-hearted. It is brutally frank and seeks to find ways to solve a problem. 

The second part is coming and WOULD proffer SOLUTIONS towards getting this RACE to take their PRIME PLACE in the SCHEME OF AFFAIRS in the world.

Remember the movie, "TEARS OF THE SUN, starring BRUCE WILLIS.

The IGBO RACE is great and would be a BEACON OF HOPE across AFRICA.

I belong to that PRIMITIVE TRIBE.

Igboland is located in southeastern Nigeria, with a total land area of about 15,800 square miles (about 41,000 square kilometers). We speak a language called Ibo and are referred to as Igbos. They say we are the second largest group living on Southern Nigeria.

We are mostly light-skinned, BOISTEROUS and typify CRASS MATERIALISM. We can BEARD the LION in his DEN as long there are HEAPS of CASH to be CORNERED and APPROPRIATED. We are in Equatorial Guinea, Afro- Caribbean States. We can be found in ALASKA helping to SHOVEL SNOWS, the proceeds REPATRIATED to BUILD MANSIONS and BUY CARS to be COPIOUSLY exhibited during XMAS.

We claim to be descendants of the JEWS and ALLUDE language and commerce-capability SIMILARITIES. The JEWS BLUNTLY refused to allow us MIGRATE to ISRAEL and TAINT their GODLY STATUS.

We have a group called the SONS OF GOD, who DECEIVED the whole of IBO LAND with their LONG JUJU, acquired all LANDS in IGBO LAND, sold COUNTLESS into SLAVERY and claim to HOLD the STAFF of AUTHORITY in IBO LAND. I BELONG TO THAT GROUP. One of their Sons used to trek Long distances to trade. He decided to Settle around the market environment in Okigwe and formed another LOUD GROUP. They TRAVEL to this HOLY LAND every YEAR in APRIL to watch A MAN KILLED and REAPPEAR FROM A BUSH, PLANTAIN SUCKERS PLANTED and GROW within MINUTES and HARVESTED, WATER CARRIED in BASKETS and CHILDREN speak in STRANGE LANGUAGES.

A group has an UNBEATABLE RECORD of their WOMEN claiming to DELIVER LIKE HEBREW WOMEN and LITTERING their HOMESTEADS with 10 CHILDREN like in a PIGSTY and adding one or two to PUT the ICING on the CAKE. Their neighbors speak a FUNNY DIALECT and HAVE PRODUCED COUNTLESS local MUSICIANS that SPICE their SONGS with immense VULGARITY. This neighbor will HARASS and CHASTISE you if he is YOUR LANDLORD, stay in his HOUSE and BRING in YOUNG MAIDENS while his DAUGHTERS are SINGLE and LANGUISHING in ABJECT SOLITUDE irrespective of THEIR WANTON WAYWARDNESS and MORAL DECADENCE.

There is another GROUP with an EVOLVING DIALECT that evokes DEEP GUFFAWS. I love THAT DIALECT. MY WIFE belongs to that GROUP. They are experts in TRADE. They are AUTHORITIES in STOCKFISH TRADE and have supplied more STOCKFISH to the WHOLE of NIGERIA than you have TEAS in CHINA. They bought up all the LANDS in THE GLORIFIED TAIWAN OF AFRICA and have a BEAUTIFUL PLACE called 'SMALL LONDON', but the ROADS to that place are HELLISH and the HOUSES placed in CONFIGURATIONS AND SYMMETRIES that will MAKE an ESTATE PLANNER PUKE uncontrollably.

Another GROUP says they are FROM the BINI TRIBE, but HAVE NO LANGUAGE SIMILARITIES with the BINI TRIBE. The only 'THING' that BIND them to the BINI GROUP is the SLAUGHTER of GOATS and CHICKENS at certain periods OF THE YEAR to be CONSUMED by so-called 'MESSENGERS OF THE GODS' and those that have the CAPACITY to COMMUNE WITH and UNDERSTAND the LANGUAGE of the GODS. They prefer to trade and are EXPERTS in VERTICAL ELEVATIONS. Take a BUS or a CAR to the GROUP and in MINUTES you will not recognize the CARCASS. They are ALWAYS at LOGGER HEADS with their NEIGHBORS who produce SPARE PARTS and are always fighting in BEER PARLORS for SUPREMACY. You BENEFIT from such FIGHTS because YOU always HAVE your TABLE FILLED with BOTTLES while they TRY to PROVE their respective SUPERIORITY to YOU.

Another group ended up in a PLACE around BENIN CITY. Their names are Igbo, speak a CONVOLUTED TYPE of the LANGUAGE and they tell you they are not IGBOS. They are at a CROSSROAD and have formed TWO SPLINTER GROUPS fighting for SUPREMACY. A publisher of one of the BEST-SELLING NEWSPAPERS in NIGERIA is from there. The ROOFS of their houses HIGHLIGHT the SKYLINES with RUSTY RED. Their roads are DUSTY RED. My very GOOD FRIEND is from that zone. His name is 'CHUKWUEMEKE' My name is 'CHUKWUEMEKA'. The only difference is in the last 'E' and 'A'. The names mean the same thing. He said, I should not mind his people who are Suffering from identity crisis.

We fought in a WAR. The leader of the WAR is RESTING with his ANCESTORS. A GREAT MAN. He eventually LOCKED UP in the WARM EMBRACE of a BEAUTY QUEEN perpetuated his BLOODLINE with KIDS that look exactly like him. I was wishing for the KIDS to LOOK like the BEAUTY QUEEN.

Another Brother does not like to be CALLED IGBO. The name of his GOVERNOR is in IGBO LANGUAGE and means "WHO KNOWS TOMORROW". These Brothers SOLD and FORCEFULLY ACQUIRED the HOUSES of their brothers CLAIMING they were ABANDONED PROPERTIES AFTER THE NIGERIAN CIVIL WAR. They speak the language and vehemently claim they are not Igbos

A war ensued between TWO BROTHERS that the ENGLISH man call FRATRICIDAL and they MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTERED THEMSELVES and THUMPED their CHESTS over their SUPERIOR INGENUITY in DASTARD KILLINGS. LIMBS were AMPUTATED and EYES removed from SOCKETS. SKULLS were designed for DRINKING PALMWINE and 33 LAGER BEER. What ADVANCED LEVEL OF INNOVATIVENESS.


 The IGBO group is AUTONOMOUS and do not HAVE regards for KINGS or KINGSHIPS. You are a KING in your Bedroom. Money RULES and as long as you can INUNDATE your DRIVEWAY with BENTLEY, HUMMER, LEGGZUS and PATHFINDER (Ocho Uzo), irrespective of how YOU got the MONEY, your WORDS rule and you, OVERNIGHT, become the OPINION LEADER in your COMMUNITY.

The second part is coming....